Haven’t posted this yet – it’s the trailer for an independent feature film I’m in called “Lost to Love” – the first feature written and directed by Stephen Les.

It’s coming soon, so keep a look out.

It’s been a really really really long time since I’ve posted anything here.

You may think this could mean a few different things.

Perhaps you thought I died.

This is not the case.  At least not physically.

Perhaps you thought I haven’t been doing anything of any note.

This, also, is not the case (mostly).

Perhaps, then, perhaps… perhaps you imagined that Julia McAlee is just really bad at blogging, or maybe she didn’t know what to say, or maybe LA is really intense, and the winter can be weird and emotional and she’s been sort of flighty and a little bit all over the place and she’s been doing lots of internal personal spiritual work (most of which is good and helpful and a portion of which is rather self-indulgent and slightly emotionally masturbatory).

Ahhhh ok.  Maybe that’s a little closer to the truth.

Forgive me, because this post is probably going to be a little rambling and ego-centric… but here goes…

I have been trying to figure out, just what in the hell I’m doing.  AND – perhaps more importantly – what do I WANT to do?

I came to LA in January of 2010 (so it’s been about a year and four months since I’ve been here) – all wide-eyed like a little forest doe, figuring that everything was going to “just work out” (whatever that means) splendidly and easily and magically.  Y’know.  Like the movies.  That is what most people come here thinking, I guess.

Idiots!

Fools!

Nin-come-poops!

How stupid I was.

Suffice it to say, I understand now why so many people come here all fresh and happy and light, and then slowly get beaten down ’til they’re tired and haggard and sad and old and jaded.  And either stay and just get older and sadder, or… pack their shit and go back to Nebraska after 6 months or a year.

“I never really wanted to be an actress anyway.  It was just a silly childish dream.  I’m in love and I’m getting married and we’re going to have beautiful children, one boy and one girl, and I’m going to be a dental assistant, and it’s going to be just wonderful!  I’m SO HAPPY!!!!!”

I kinda get it.

Los Angeles is a weird city.

My acting coach says that it’s 5% talent and 95% persistence.  So, pretty much (and I knew this already, but it’s different to know something intellectually vs. actually believing it) – you have to be absolutely 100% bat shit insane to take this on.  To take on, going and fighting for your dream in this weird-ass competitive commercial capitalist crazy racist sexist soul-sucking culture we live in – it’s true for trying to be ANY kind of artist really.  You have to be passionate and lovelorn and stubborn – and completely fucking nuts.

Well, Los Angeles, I have a little message for you:

I AM passionate.  Lovelorn.  Stubborn.  And completely fucking nuts!

I’m not giving up yet!  You can’t fuck with me!! 

You will NEVER steal the sparkle in my eye!!!!

I’ve seen the way people play your little game.  I came here trying to play it, trying to fit into the mold, sending out headshots, going to auditions, blah blah blah blah blah… thinking it could work, and that maybe you’d notice, and maybe (just maybe) you’d fall in love with me.  Well it didn’t work and you didn’t notice, and if you didn’t even notice, then how could you possibly fall in love with me yet?  So you know what, Los Angeles?

I don’t want to play your game anymore.  Uh uh.  Nope.  Not anymore.  Done. 

Instead – I’m going to play my own game, with my own rules.  And Los Angeles, I still love you.  I do.  With all your quirks and your character and your inconsistencies… you ARE the place where dreams are made, AND where dreams come crashing down, smashed to smithereens.  The place where dreams are made and broken and made and broken and made.  There is great power here, and great magic.  I love you.  But now, I’m going to play this thing my way.

I will simply not allow you to extinguish my light, Los Angeles.  But I do want to share my light with you, and I’d like you to share your light with me.  Let’s play catch.  Let’s throw balls of light back and forth.  Let’s sword fight.  Let’s dance.  Let’s go swimming with dolphins.  Let’s fuck.  You wanna fuck Los Angeles?  Let’s fuck hard and dirty and rough and mean – and then we’ll get quiet and soft.  And we’ll make love, sweet and tender, on a sheepskin rug, while candles flicker and the music of  a young castrati drifts from the gramophone into our ears.

Yeah?  Sounds like a date, Los Angeles.

xo, Julia

And by playing my own way, with my own rules, I mean that I’m going to stop caring about “making it” (whatever that means) – and instead I’m just going to starting making stuff.  My own stuff, that I care about, that resonates deeply and sings and whirls and moves me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love whores.  But I came here to be an artist, not a whore.

By the way – I totally get that I am completely and wholly LUCKY and privileged to even be worrying about this stuff at all.  I am SO LUCKY!  Thank you thank you thank you Universe!  Thank you Los Angeles – for your thrashings and beatings and the little slaps in the face too – everything has been (and continues to be) a tremendous lesson to me.  I am grateful for the lessons.  I am grateful for the growth.  I am grateful for the experiences and the wonderful community and friends and funny foibles and music and stories.  I am grateful for the chance you have given me.

Thank you.

So.  I’m going to be an artist.  Whatever that means.  An artist.  I guess that means, I’m going to create things that mean something to me, and hopefully they’ll mean something to you too.  If they do, I’ll be very happy and humbly grateful to you.  And if not, that’s ok too.  I don’t have to be adored by everyone.  I’m ok with that.

“What a silly pretentious nitwit,” you mutter under your breath.  Then more loudly:

“And – your First Big Project, Madame Artiste?”

I meet your gaze evenly, lick my lips, and smile a small, crooked smile.

“I’m writing a one woman show.”

Also!  I’m playing a show this Friday night at Enid and Edgar (a beautiful little vintage store in Silverlake)… candlelight… acoustic tunes… 2 other lovely performers and then me!  Show starts around 9pm (I play around 10.30pm), 5 bucks at the door.  Cheap beer.

Address:  510 1/2 n hoover st, los angeles ca 90026 ………Please do come!

AND!  AND AND!  Saturday!  We are having our block party on Westmoreland Blvd that we (we as in, me and my friends at the intentional community I live at, Synchronicity LA) have been planning for months and months and months!  Yes yes yes it is going to be fun fun fun!  Free food (but hey, bring some pot luck stuff if you are coming, because you always need more food)… lots of live local music (I’ll be playing at 4pm and MCing for the event)… face painting, kid’s activities, a button making workshop, a swap table (bring your clothes, books, and white elephant items to trade)… some super cool guests like our shamanic clown friend Psychodelicate, and our other clown friend Nick Kane, and some cool improv comedy guys from down the street… and lots more!  So just come.  Dooooooo iiiiit.  You know you wanna.

I recently made a music video for one of the songs on my 4 song demo (“4 Songs for Lovers and Thieves”) that I recorded in Seattle last Autumn.  The song is called “To the Heaving of Our Chests,” and it was directed by Aqiyl Thomas and edited by my good friend Alex MacKenzie.  Thanks to both gentlemen for a job well done!

I posted it on the Music tab, but I’m going to go ahead and just post it on the blog here, just in case I take it down from there at some point.

Love!

From now on, I will be posting one video per week!

I just started a youtube channel last week – WendyTheBird – so check it out, and subscribe if you want to stay updated regularly!   As a side note, I picked the name because I’ve always been a little obsessed with Peter Pan (ok maybe a lot); I was in an all girl’s sorta pop-punky band in high school called The Flying Wendys… and I still have lots of flying dreams.  I’d like to live in Neverland.  Heck yeah.  Play pan pipes and hide and seek and live inside trees and stuff, mmmmhmmmm…  So anyway.  It seemed appropriate to continue the tradition.

I’m starting off by playing some acoustic covers of favorite songs.  Here are the two I posted already: a sort of strange upbeat version of “Creep” by Radiohead, and the pretty 60′s song “Today” (originally recorded by John Denver).  In-joy!

Watch more of Ryan’s movies at:  www.ryanisyourfriend.com